Forgiveness

I have to admit forgiveness is a hard thing for me when someone has really hurt me. I have always wanted to do better in this area and i think i am doing better until i get hurt again. Then i realize i shut down and pull myself away from the person who has hurt me. This mostly occurs with family members. Not sure if this makes sense so far but there is a point I'm going to get to.

I have a family member who has abused his body with drugs and alcohol for years now (since before i was born). That's all i know him as. I have written him off many times. I have a very hard time with the fact that he has out lived my mom (who deserves to still be here) and yet he lives on. He has torn the family apart. We used to be a close family and now we aren't. Which is another hard thing for me to deal with. The list goes on. For years now i have felt guilty for the feelings i have towards him. I always think mom would be disappointed in me but yet i can't bring myself to forgive him.

This all changed last week. Kris called to tell me he has cancer in his liver and stomach and it doesn't look good. My first reaction and I'm sorry to say was it's about time. I sat there in silence feeling bad for not feeling sad. I really didn't know how i should have felt at that time. I know this day was going to come sooner then later and have often tried to picture how i would react. The other thing that crossed my mind is that if he goes Grandma won't be far behind him and that's something i don't want to deal with. I put off calling there for a few days b/c i didn't know what to say. I knew my grandma who he lives with was having a very hard time with this and i had sympathy for her but not him.

When i finally called he answered the phone (crap!). I asked him how he was feeling and stuff. He was totally honest with me about everything. I won't get in to all the details but i just want to mention something that really hit me. He was talking about how for so many years he's been abusing his body and has been at deaths door many times but has never felt alone even when he was at his lowest. He said he doesn't understand why Heavenly Father has never given up on him but he knows that he is loved and will never be alone. It brought tears to my eyes as he said that. I was shocked me to hear him say that. I have never heard him mention anything religious before. It humbled me. Who am I to cast a stone? Since that conversation i have thought a lot about forgiveness and judging. I realize i have a ways to go but b/c of my uncle i have also realized it's possible.

As for my uncle things don't really look good but for the first time in years instead of avoiding him when i go home i hope to see him this time. I still don't know how i feel about him but i would love to see him one last time.